Who becomes lonely? We all do. Almost everyone experiences intense loneliness at some time or another, and in one study roughly 26 percent of a large sample reported feeling “very lonely within the past few weeks.” We often think of loneliness as more [31](1. casual 2. rampant 3. formal) in elderly rather than younger populations, but research casts doubt on this and actually shows that loneliness is higher in high school students than in the elderly. For elderly people what is important is the availability of a close confidant and whether the person has been used to being single through life. In one study, [32](1. compared with 2. parallel to 3. contrary to) popular myth, only 15 percent of old people report that they feel lonely quite often.
There are some situations where everyone becomes lonely, and we can distinguish trait loneliness and state loneliness. The former refers to a stable and [33](1. persistent 2. fluctuating 3. urgent) pattern of feeling lonely–definitely a feature of the person; he or she invariably takes the feeling into new situations. The latter refers to a [34](1. permanent 2. solid 3. transient), temporary feeling of loneliness–probably resulting from the situation or a move to a new environment rather than to the specific person; everyone might feel lonely in such circumstances. When people move to college they all tend to experience loneliness but some cope with it better than do others. Interestingly, females tend to cope with it better than males, since they [35] (1. contribute 2. distribute 3. attribute) it to forces over which they have no control rather than to personal failure.
Clearly, loneliness is not necessarily the same as being alone. We can be lonely in a crowd and can be perfectly happy on our own sometimes in the “bliss of solitude.” The [36] (1. crucial 2. accidental 3. incidental) feature of loneliness is a discrepancy between what we are doing and what we expect or hope to do. To put it more [37](1. vaguely 2. precisely 3. evasively), loneliness results from a discrepancy between one’s desired and achieved levels of social relations. If we desire a small number of friends (say 1 or 2) and that is what we have, then we will be happy and not lonely. If, on the other hand, we desire 15 friends and have only 5, then we shall feel lonely.
To assess loneliness, we must look at the person’s desired or needed levels of social contact rather than at just the levels of social contact that he or she actually achieves. Our expectations, desires and needs can fluctuate from time to time [38](1. depending on 2. independently of 3. in spite of) our actual levels of social contact. In other words, even when our contacts stay the same and our number of friends is constant, we could still feel lonely on some days and not others or in some circumstances and not others, depending on our present desire for company or solitude. For example, when we are under some sort of stress we might want company, but when we are working on a difficult task we would rather be alone and would find company [39](1. annoying 2. consoling 3. encouraging).
Expectations about relationships and loneliness will be influenced by personality, beliefs about attractiveness, and whether one tends to take [40](1. notice of 2. credit for 3. offense at) social successes in meeting new people or blame for failures to make friends. It is found that trait lonely people feel negative about interaction with other people and also about their own performance of relational behaviors that would make them attractive to other people.
Those who usually assume that social failures are their own fault are likely to [41](1. consider 2. trace 3. overlook) other obvious factors that could account for loneliness-such as “circumstances” or “moving to a new neighborhoo” They will probably blame their isolation in the new circumstances on their personal [42](1. difficulties 2. success 3. achievement). Accordingly, they are much more likely to feel negative about themselves and to experience a sense of personal hopelessness. Trait lonely people are found to have exactly the characteristics that make it more likely that they will blame themselves in this way.
Chronically, lonely persons tend to be negative in their interactions with strangers. They spend more time alone, particularly at weekends, and are less involved with voluntary organizations, dating, relatives and neighbors, or social activities generally. They sometimes show “sad passivity,” which involves overeating, oversleeping, or crying. They also watch more TV than average, which might suggest that their loneliness is associated with a sense of lack of stimulation.
Other typical styles of coping with loneliness are to engage in various activities, solitary hobbies, jogging alone, or taking exercise. Other people react to loneliness by [43](1. self-governed 2. self sustaining 3. self-indulgent) actions, buying themselves “toys” like computers and remote control miniaturized stereo systems, or running riot with their credit cards. When we get lonely we often turn into “big spenders” in an effort to make ourselves feel better about ourselves. More useful are coping strategies that involve visiting other people, writing to friends, telephoning them, or just attempting to increase social contact.
The key feature is the belief system that we hold about the causes of our loneliness and about our ability to control it. If we believe that it will go away as long as we take positive action, then we are more likely to attempt to socialize. If we believe that it is somehow “our fault” – and a [44](1. transient 2. permanent 3. contemporary) feature of our lives—then we are more likely to become depresse It is possible, however, to reduce loneliness by giving the person a sense of control over it. For instance, old persons who are allowed to schedule visits from volunteer workers feel less lonely than those whose schedule is fixed for them by someone else [45](1. even though 2. how ever 3. nevertheless) the total number and length of the visits are the same for both sets of people.
Variations in the sense of control are probably one reason why not all “being alone” is loneliness. If our desired level of social contact is low for some deliberately controlled reason, then low levels of social con tact will be highly enjoyable and high levels of social interaction may actually be unattractive to us. The problems arise when someone is [46](1. forced 2. encouraged 3. persuaded) to be alone without wishing to be so. For instance, new students typically report feeling lonely soon after they arrive in their university at the start of their first year.
What happens, then, when new students go to college? Some researchers looked at ways of predicting which students would stay lonely and which would develop fuller networks in the new environment and so cope with loneliness. Their results show that the [47](1. tradition 2. transition 3. transmission) to college was particularly stressful for males, whose loneliness increased four times more than females’. Also males’ dating frequency [48](1. increased 2. fluctuated 3. declined) more than females’. The latter may have resulted from first-year male students having a smaller pool of dates [49](1. available 2. ascribed 3. described) to them since there is a cultural norm that encourages females (but not males) to date older as well as same-aged members of the opposite sex and to decline requests for dates from younger males.
On the more [50](1. negative 2. neutral 3. positive) side, the students were quick to establish new groups of casual acquaintances. Their feelings about family and kin became more positive, and they experienced less conflict with parents even though they did not see them as often or perhaps because of it.
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